There's a great possibility that deviation from the title may occur, but never mind, thoughts must roam free.
It struck me just now how other people's opinions shape our own. Did this thought originate from me, or did yours seep into my brain and give birth to a hybrid? Or did it mindlessly multiply and I just got a copy?
Opinions are hateful, necessary things. I, for one will own up that I am particularly susceptible to other people's. Pardon the analogy, but I feel like batches of wet clay, perpetually baked to permanence. I was born to conform. I was born to nod, to be ready with a quick smile and assure that everything's fine, to parrot. I was born to adopt your stand.
How I fought against this inherent weakness. How I fought to let my own opinions be natives and have the rule of the land. How I stilled myself from the reflex fortification of your statements. I too, have a conscience, a blunt blade I try to sharpen, guided by religion and past experiences. To relinquish, if you are true and right, would be just. But to say yes when it should have been a no! To smile when it should have been a frown! Therein lies the disgust I feel for myself.
I fail often, to shoulder my responsibility; the expression of my opinion. It need not be verbal. A look or smile is all it would have taken to communicate. How many honourable, needful words have I uttered? I forget, that as much as other people's opinions influence me, mine too have power over them. Many ugly things could I have checked, many beautiful thoughts could I have helped bloom.
We are connected by more than just species, nationality, ethnicity, or blood. This essence of self that I tried to explain, makes us extremely dependent on one another. So take care that what we say, advise or express are halal and good, lest we shape others wrongly. Because we do have that power. We do.
29.9.12
6.8.12
Guess What?
What?
It doesn't have to be all or nothing
except in your relationship with God
It's okay to have something, anything
and things-in-between
And that is not a cause for despair
See, no one told me
that you're supposed to hold on to yourself
And not distribute it like wealth
Not much is free in this world,
much less yourself
So let's barter
A system of exchange
An apple for an apple
No more and no less
But then I remember
Mutuality is a fallacy
Well, maybe in feelings
The scales are different
since no one's buying at the same store
So let's have something then
Because it's better than nothing
Never mind that something is bile,
and nothing is milk-and-water
Better have some flavours in your life eh?
Let's have anything
Let's have all the flowers and pleasantries
The Happy Birthdays and Congratulations
The unmemorable How You Dos and I'm Okays
Because anything is better than nothing
The hardest are things-in-between
The midway between what you want
and what you're not strong enough for
But you know what?
It's all okay
They're parts of human nature
And so parts of us
There are people who walk with you
Those who outrun you and never look back
Some who do
People who you jog away from but smile at
because honestly, they smell too bad
But are nice people all the same
See, if you do it
Why can't they?
You could be someone's strong-smelling friend
Nice to see
but don't get close
And you might never know
It's a shame to be nothing
so let's be anything
No one told me
It's possible to be good friends with somebody
And not say
"This is my heart.
It's for you to do as you please."
I used to say all-or-nothing
I gave them my all
And guess what I'm left with?
Nothing.
and things-in-between
And that is not a cause for despair
See, no one told me
that you're supposed to hold on to yourself
And not distribute it like wealth
Not much is free in this world,
much less yourself
So let's barter
A system of exchange
An apple for an apple
No more and no less
But then I remember
Mutuality is a fallacy
Well, maybe in feelings
The scales are different
since no one's buying at the same store
So let's have something then
Because it's better than nothing
Never mind that something is bile,
and nothing is milk-and-water
Better have some flavours in your life eh?
Let's have anything
Let's have all the flowers and pleasantries
The Happy Birthdays and Congratulations
The unmemorable How You Dos and I'm Okays
Because anything is better than nothing
The hardest are things-in-between
The midway between what you want
and what you're not strong enough for
But you know what?
It's all okay
They're parts of human nature
And so parts of us
There are people who walk with you
Those who outrun you and never look back
Some who do
People who you jog away from but smile at
because honestly, they smell too bad
But are nice people all the same
See, if you do it
Why can't they?
You could be someone's strong-smelling friend
Nice to see
but don't get close
And you might never know
It's a shame to be nothing
so let's be anything
No one told me
It's possible to be good friends with somebody
And not say
"This is my heart.
It's for you to do as you please."
I used to say all-or-nothing
I gave them my all
And guess what I'm left with?
Nothing.
15.6.12
Handcrafted.
For the past week I have been devoid of culture. I didn't go looking for it. When not harassed by my kinfolk, I watched Season 6 of Supernatural and followed it up with Battleship. Although freshly laundered clothes were folded at an unseen-before speed parallel to these times, it was not the 'right' kind of culture. Sigh. What does it take for me to stop sabotaging myself?
I miss using emails. They were reminiscent of letters and I was (and still am) a big fan of letter-writing. I miss it primarily because it's not instantaneous. You get an email today and you can reply tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or even in February. The sender will never know that you left the email stewing in your inbox on purpose. Ignorance is truly bliss. You'd be spared from confrontations that would ensue should the sender be aware of your intentional delay. "How come you replied her Wall post and not mine?!" is not a question you can really provide a satisfactory answer to. What if you're the sender of that email? It would be a lot easier to cheerfully make excuses for the recipient. What you don't know won't hurt you. Some aspects of human nature must be concealed for feathers-unruffled, feelings-benign communication.
Another aspect of using emails (or letters) that I particularly adore is that it allows me to stare at the screen blankly for stretches of time in between typing, collecting my thoughts. It would not be socially acceptable to make the person you're instant-messaging wait for 20 minutes for each reply, would it? I need time to be funny. My wit has to be summoned from wherever it's been napping and needs to be prodded until it's fully awake. My funniness is not a knee-jerk reaction. As a result, I am reduced to standard phrases in SMSes and IMs. I appear dull and awkward when in fact I am highly amusing.
I want whatever thought that I translate into the physical world, via speech or writing, to be beautiful. Whatever I offer to the world must be handcrafted and as close to perfection as it can get. Think of a thought (wow, paradox!) as a piece of paper. Plain, uninspiring. Are you going to hand just that to the world? What revolution would it catalyze? But you know, if someone's asking you if you're going to the loo, yes or no would suffice. It's unlikely that a lengthy reply would change the world in any way.
"It is indeed, the destination of which the journey I am desirous of making, due to a crippling pain I harbour inside of me, which constitutes the utmost urgency."
I can go on if let loose. But back to that paper. What if when speaking or writing, I present to the world an origami crane. Or rabbit. Delicately folded to produce an aesthetically-pleasing form. A thing that has meaning. Something the world would hesitate to discard. Something rational, backed with evidence, and strengthened with truth and conviction. Whatever I produce would be far more substantial if I take the time to think, compose, and phrase it to loveliness.
What I am not saying is that you cannot figuratively fold origami cranes and rabbits in instantaneous communication. Rather, there is more pressure to fire off replies like your whole existence depends on it, especially if you're communicating with several people at the same time. It's like trying to juggle teacups. Dangerous and confusing. Beauty takes effort and effort takes time.
That one-liner concludes my pseudo-philosophical musings for today. Pray that I won't succumb to the siren call of uTorrent and download Season 7 of Supernatural. Pray for me.
P.s. 3-month holiday!
I miss using emails. They were reminiscent of letters and I was (and still am) a big fan of letter-writing. I miss it primarily because it's not instantaneous. You get an email today and you can reply tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or even in February. The sender will never know that you left the email stewing in your inbox on purpose. Ignorance is truly bliss. You'd be spared from confrontations that would ensue should the sender be aware of your intentional delay. "How come you replied her Wall post and not mine?!" is not a question you can really provide a satisfactory answer to. What if you're the sender of that email? It would be a lot easier to cheerfully make excuses for the recipient. What you don't know won't hurt you. Some aspects of human nature must be concealed for feathers-unruffled, feelings-benign communication.
Another aspect of using emails (or letters) that I particularly adore is that it allows me to stare at the screen blankly for stretches of time in between typing, collecting my thoughts. It would not be socially acceptable to make the person you're instant-messaging wait for 20 minutes for each reply, would it? I need time to be funny. My wit has to be summoned from wherever it's been napping and needs to be prodded until it's fully awake. My funniness is not a knee-jerk reaction. As a result, I am reduced to standard phrases in SMSes and IMs. I appear dull and awkward when in fact I am highly amusing.
I want whatever thought that I translate into the physical world, via speech or writing, to be beautiful. Whatever I offer to the world must be handcrafted and as close to perfection as it can get. Think of a thought (wow, paradox!) as a piece of paper. Plain, uninspiring. Are you going to hand just that to the world? What revolution would it catalyze? But you know, if someone's asking you if you're going to the loo, yes or no would suffice. It's unlikely that a lengthy reply would change the world in any way.
"It is indeed, the destination of which the journey I am desirous of making, due to a crippling pain I harbour inside of me, which constitutes the utmost urgency."
I can go on if let loose. But back to that paper. What if when speaking or writing, I present to the world an origami crane. Or rabbit. Delicately folded to produce an aesthetically-pleasing form. A thing that has meaning. Something the world would hesitate to discard. Something rational, backed with evidence, and strengthened with truth and conviction. Whatever I produce would be far more substantial if I take the time to think, compose, and phrase it to loveliness.
What I am not saying is that you cannot figuratively fold origami cranes and rabbits in instantaneous communication. Rather, there is more pressure to fire off replies like your whole existence depends on it, especially if you're communicating with several people at the same time. It's like trying to juggle teacups. Dangerous and confusing. Beauty takes effort and effort takes time.
That one-liner concludes my pseudo-philosophical musings for today. Pray that I won't succumb to the siren call of uTorrent and download Season 7 of Supernatural. Pray for me.
P.s. 3-month holiday!
30.3.12
Silent Agitation.
Agitation is the antonym of serenity. And I feel far from serene these days.
I am detached. From people, from moments. Losing the ability to immerse yourself in a moment is a depressing thing.
Your friend makes a joke. It's funny. You start to laugh. And halfway, your mind detaches, separates itself from your feelings. You start to analyse what you're doing. What am I doing here? Where should I put my hand? How long should I laugh?
You look down to yourself and ask why. Why am I not here? You wonder where you are. In doing so you have lost the moment, and another joy is denied.
There are some days when I'm able to laugh with total abandon. Days when I talk and don't suddenly trail off to listen to my voice. But the loneliness on days other than these is suffocating. I am in a glass box.. You don't make sense to me and I to you.
Who's to blame for this but me? I've settled myself into a routine of absorbing and taking in, that I've forgotten to leave my mark where I stand.
I read, but what do I do with the knowledge I've gained? I learn, but what have I done with my lessons? I interact, but what do I leave people with?
Watch, listen, and take in. That's all we ever do nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with being an onlooker, collecting our thoughts. We have compassionate ones. Funny ones. Profound ones. But ultimately, what we do define who we are, not thoughts. I want to be able to say with certainty that not only do I exist, I live and live well.
I want to be able to say "My name is Aina", and that is explanation enough. This is not a matter of satisfying a need for fame, although as a human being that does exist for me. It's about being and feeling better.
This quote has left a deep impact.
"It's easy to die for Allah. But it's far harder and better to live for Him."
Pray. Read. Learn. Think. Try. Create.
I am detached. From people, from moments. Losing the ability to immerse yourself in a moment is a depressing thing.
Your friend makes a joke. It's funny. You start to laugh. And halfway, your mind detaches, separates itself from your feelings. You start to analyse what you're doing. What am I doing here? Where should I put my hand? How long should I laugh?
You look down to yourself and ask why. Why am I not here? You wonder where you are. In doing so you have lost the moment, and another joy is denied.
There are some days when I'm able to laugh with total abandon. Days when I talk and don't suddenly trail off to listen to my voice. But the loneliness on days other than these is suffocating. I am in a glass box.. You don't make sense to me and I to you.
Who's to blame for this but me? I've settled myself into a routine of absorbing and taking in, that I've forgotten to leave my mark where I stand.
I read, but what do I do with the knowledge I've gained? I learn, but what have I done with my lessons? I interact, but what do I leave people with?
Watch, listen, and take in. That's all we ever do nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with being an onlooker, collecting our thoughts. We have compassionate ones. Funny ones. Profound ones. But ultimately, what we do define who we are, not thoughts. I want to be able to say with certainty that not only do I exist, I live and live well.
I want to be able to say "My name is Aina", and that is explanation enough. This is not a matter of satisfying a need for fame, although as a human being that does exist for me. It's about being and feeling better.
This quote has left a deep impact.
"It's easy to die for Allah. But it's far harder and better to live for Him."
Pray. Read. Learn. Think. Try. Create.
24.3.12
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