Highway

I've come a long way since  CFS.
I've come a long way since high school.
Heck, I've come a long way since primary school.
I've come a long way, period.

For someone who dislikes change, I've changed so much. For one, I'm not as timid as I was back then. I'm simultaneously quieter and louder. I've gotten the rein of my feelings and have managed, most of the time, to keep them under control. I'm happier. I understand things more. Most of the time I manage to stop publishing my life for the world to see.

And I tolerate less.

I know sometimes I give the impression that I've become this cold and aloof Aina, but the reality is, I can't do the old me anymore. Meek, everything-okay Aina. The yes man. Cowardly and ever-obliging. A person with lax morals. A person who, for the duration of 5 years in high school, has managed to disappoint her family repeatedly.

That me might have been a crowd favourite, but it was not mine. Not by a long shot. I've set standards for myself now, and I need to keep to them.

I have regrets, sure. Most of my friendships have faded into obscurity. Some were broken clear off. All I can do is cherish them in my heart, because it's not my place to do more. At times, the old adage 'Berkawan biar seribu.." plays up my insecurities. I don't have a thousand acquaintances, much less friends. So what does that make me? A jerk?

I want to stop playing the victim. I want to stop needing people to apologize to me for their imagined wrongs. I want to be strong. I want respect, but still possess a heart big enough to accept people who don't give it to me.

My biggest fear is regress.